Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Week 2, Day 3 — Confessions of a Crazymaker

Okay, I admit it.  I let myself become a crazymaker yesterday.

Lack of sleep, weeks of busyness, pent-up stress; they're only partly to blame.  I have strong coping mechanisms given I deal with both insomnia and stress to extremes on a daily basis, yet somehow I managed to tip myself over my tolerance threshold.  The real issue yesterday was lack of mindfulness.  I failed to recognise early enough that I was run down and take appropriate steps to protect myself; I didn't have the luxury of being able to wrap myself up in a duvet and hide away for the day.  I had to just get on with things.

But I didn't just get on with it.  I put my rubbish feelings out into the world believing it would set a boundary and give me space to lick my wounds until I felt better.  That was an act of crazy-making!  I failed to acknowledge that people around me were having the same kind of day I was (maybe it was the awful burst of autumn weather we were hit with in Scotland?) and instead may have left people who look to me for support feeling worse than I did.  I dragged several others into my whirlpool of craziness in the process.

So today is about mindfulness; being mindful of myself and mindful of others.  It's about bringing my emotions back in-house, and not transferring them.

I got 4½ hours sleep last night — not perfect, but I'm a bit more refreshed than yesterday at least.  I ate a good meal with my best friend before our concert rehearsal last night, somehow managed to do a quick once-through edit of the script I'm working on, and drafted a short proposal for a project I'd like to be involved with later in the year.  The day was more productive than I expected it to be, and all achieved while running on low!

Now that I've identified and expelled my own crazy-making, I'll be back on track tomorrow to deal with the real task at hand:  working out where my energy is being sapped, and who is doing the sapping.  Crazymakers beware!


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