It's Christmas Eve and I'm home with my family for the holidays. Sitting here in my old bedroom has given me an opportunity to reflect, not only on this past year, but also on life in general. I know I've banged on about it a few times in my blog, but 2011 has proved to be a blessed year. Don't get me wrong, I've had more than my fair share of hardship and low points—I've avoided broadcasting much of that online—but on the whole it has been counterbalanced with a healthy dose of things going well for me in my creative life.
Last year I had a bit of a health scare. Not my first, for that matter; for the second time in a twelve month period I was faced with life threatening surgery, which thankfully I made a full recovery from. It marked a turning point for me in many ways and helped me get my priorities straight. This year I've lost weight, improved my sleep (not dramatically, but enough to make me feel better about managing my insomnia) and my general fitness and stamina has improved. I have more energy, more drive, and I feel happier. Yes, there's still room for me to do better, but I've made significant advances that even this time last year seemed impossible. I still have days when I struggle and feel down, but I now see the bright side to many of my problems—even those really difficult financial ones. My mental health is in as positive a state as my physical fitness.
Why mention all this? I guess I made a connection in my reflective state. Things going well for me creatively has improved my general happiness, and being happier has helped motivate me to improve my health and wellbeing, and that in turn has helped boost my creativity. I find myself in a cycle of artistic happiness, one that has without a doubt been fuelled by my commitment to The Artist's Way programme. The rude awakening I had last year forced me back into action; I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started trying to get somewhere again.
Julia Cameron talks in the The Artist's Way about simply turning up to the page, and making a point of doing so every day, no matter how difficult. That is working for me right now. No matter my mood, I aim to write my morning pages every single day, and when mornings don't work out, I write in the afternoons or evenings. It's not always art: hell, it's more often than not a ramble about the crap I've gone through during the course of the previous day, but the point is I do it. I try. I write every day. I turn up to the page.
I don't intend to blog over the holidays, so I'll wish all friends and readers happy holidays now. Here's to a creative and successful 2012—and to keeping trying.
K
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Saturday, 17 December 2011
After the Artist's Way — Week 4
This has been a great week. Busy, productive, creative, focussed and full of enthusiasm.
First I finished editing a couple of short stories I'd left resting for a bit, before making a breakthrough with the new play I'm writing following last week's mentoring session. On Wednesday I enjoyed a festive night out with other writers, actors and freelancers from the arts community, followed by a trip with my fellow playwright mentees to Edinburgh on Thursday. We had introductions with the literary representatives of both the National Theatre of Scotland and the Traverse Theatre to talk about their submissions processes, before catching Jo Clifford's latest play Tree of Knowledge. Afterwards we indulged in a brilliant Q&A session with Jo herself to learn more about her creative practice, and followed that up with a trip to the Scottish Parliament to be part of the audience of NTS's rousing Staging the Nation event on political theatre. Friday night found me performing in my last gig of the year with two festive concerts at the new A' the Airts theatre space in Sanquhar. I had time to catch up with friends and family throughout the week, found a production assistant (my lovely friend Karen, no less), and tentatively confirmed the last dates and venue for my spring tour—by this time next week, everything should finally be in place. The week was full of action and activity: things are happening.
Amid all that busy-ness, I've been reflecting on how 2011 has gone, and made a few of those big decisions for the future that I've been hinting at in my blog for a while. I now have a clear set of goals to work towards in 2012. It doesn't matter that some of them are terrifying and involve major change, nor am I concerned about how difficult or unattainable they might seem right now—they feel right, they will motivate me, and they excite me.
For this week's artist's date I went right back to the roots of The Artist's Way and did one of the first things Julia suggests in the book—stationery shopping! I've been on a stationery ban for most of the year; I must plead guilty to the crime of buying far too many notebooks and pens in the past, to the point of having a stockpile that would put WH Smith to shame. This week however I decided to treat myself and went off in search of a 2012 diary. I already have my Equity one for throwing in my bag, and inevitably keep track of most things electronically anyway, but I do still like to have a decent journal to write in. I found the perfect companion in Paperchase, a smashing brown leather page-per-day diary. This might not sound like your idea of an exciting day trip, but the simple pleasure of this purchase followed by coffee and a mince pie while watching the madness of Christmas shoppers bustling by outside really cheered me up.
There's still half of December to go, but I'm ending this week with a fresh optimism for 2012.
K
First I finished editing a couple of short stories I'd left resting for a bit, before making a breakthrough with the new play I'm writing following last week's mentoring session. On Wednesday I enjoyed a festive night out with other writers, actors and freelancers from the arts community, followed by a trip with my fellow playwright mentees to Edinburgh on Thursday. We had introductions with the literary representatives of both the National Theatre of Scotland and the Traverse Theatre to talk about their submissions processes, before catching Jo Clifford's latest play Tree of Knowledge. Afterwards we indulged in a brilliant Q&A session with Jo herself to learn more about her creative practice, and followed that up with a trip to the Scottish Parliament to be part of the audience of NTS's rousing Staging the Nation event on political theatre. Friday night found me performing in my last gig of the year with two festive concerts at the new A' the Airts theatre space in Sanquhar. I had time to catch up with friends and family throughout the week, found a production assistant (my lovely friend Karen, no less), and tentatively confirmed the last dates and venue for my spring tour—by this time next week, everything should finally be in place. The week was full of action and activity: things are happening.
Amid all that busy-ness, I've been reflecting on how 2011 has gone, and made a few of those big decisions for the future that I've been hinting at in my blog for a while. I now have a clear set of goals to work towards in 2012. It doesn't matter that some of them are terrifying and involve major change, nor am I concerned about how difficult or unattainable they might seem right now—they feel right, they will motivate me, and they excite me.
For this week's artist's date I went right back to the roots of The Artist's Way and did one of the first things Julia suggests in the book—stationery shopping! I've been on a stationery ban for most of the year; I must plead guilty to the crime of buying far too many notebooks and pens in the past, to the point of having a stockpile that would put WH Smith to shame. This week however I decided to treat myself and went off in search of a 2012 diary. I already have my Equity one for throwing in my bag, and inevitably keep track of most things electronically anyway, but I do still like to have a decent journal to write in. I found the perfect companion in Paperchase, a smashing brown leather page-per-day diary. This might not sound like your idea of an exciting day trip, but the simple pleasure of this purchase followed by coffee and a mince pie while watching the madness of Christmas shoppers bustling by outside really cheered me up.
There's still half of December to go, but I'm ending this week with a fresh optimism for 2012.
K
Monday, 12 December 2011
After the Artist's Way — Week 3
Goodness me, another fortnight has flown by. Is it just me or does life suddenly hit fast forward during the winter months? Where does the time go?
As you might guess from the tardiness of this post, my intention to update weekly following the end of The Artist's Way slipped already with me missing Week 2. Keeping on the straight and narrow when the daily focus of completing tasks has shifted hasn't been easy. I've lacked enthusiasm at times and felt a bit creatively strangled, but a bit of refocussing and a motivational chat and check in on the phone with Debbie got me back on track. I repeated a few of the early tasks to recentre myself, said my affirmations and reminded myself why it's important to not lose faith in what I achieved during my three months on The Artist's Way. My morning pages are flowing, I've been back on my artist's date and (despite the awful Scottish weather) have restarted my daily walks in the park; rain, hail, hurricane or shine!
Not that I've been unproductive, I'd like to point out. In fact I'm busier than I have been all year. My mentoring sessions at the Playwrights' Studio are now in full swing and going great. I had my second session with Isabel last week, and it couldn't have come at a better time. I had reached a point where I was seriously considering jacking in the piece I've been working on; the material I've been researching isn't exactly cheery and it had started to drag me into a fug of depression the more I read up on the topic. I should have known better and gone on my artist's date when I started to feel down. Maybe if I'd been a bit kinder and distanced myself from the mental weight I was accumulating I wouldn't have ended up as miserable as I did for several days last week. Isabel helped me find reason, reassuring me that the material shows promise and it would be a shame to throw away the work I've done. So it's onwards and upwards with it—but this time with a reminder to separate work from life and to establish better boundaries. We've got a bundle of activities planned this week, including introductory meetings with a few key figures in the industry and a theatre trip to Edinburgh, which I'll no doubt update on later.
My plan for this week is to dip back in to some of the goal related tasks. A number of new opportunities are on the horizon, and now is as good a time as any to review the direction I'm currently heading in. There may need to be sacrifices in 2012; that's both exciting and terrifying in equal measure, but not without reward if things go to plan. I will also be revisiting and redressing my Week 10 Bottom Line statements, as I've let some of the commitments I made to myself slide.
I'm going to cut this post here as I'm attempting to streamline my online media intake again, and the bell on my pomodoro has just rung! Yes, it's that dreaded deprivation task from way back in Week 4. I'm reviewing a new book titled The Digital Diet by Daniel Sieberg for a coaching magazine, and it has uncanny parallels to Week 4's content. It has served as a timely reminder that I've let myself slip again, especially on the social networking front. Less time online and more focus in my days is the challenge for the coming week!
K
As you might guess from the tardiness of this post, my intention to update weekly following the end of The Artist's Way slipped already with me missing Week 2. Keeping on the straight and narrow when the daily focus of completing tasks has shifted hasn't been easy. I've lacked enthusiasm at times and felt a bit creatively strangled, but a bit of refocussing and a motivational chat and check in on the phone with Debbie got me back on track. I repeated a few of the early tasks to recentre myself, said my affirmations and reminded myself why it's important to not lose faith in what I achieved during my three months on The Artist's Way. My morning pages are flowing, I've been back on my artist's date and (despite the awful Scottish weather) have restarted my daily walks in the park; rain, hail, hurricane or shine!
Not that I've been unproductive, I'd like to point out. In fact I'm busier than I have been all year. My mentoring sessions at the Playwrights' Studio are now in full swing and going great. I had my second session with Isabel last week, and it couldn't have come at a better time. I had reached a point where I was seriously considering jacking in the piece I've been working on; the material I've been researching isn't exactly cheery and it had started to drag me into a fug of depression the more I read up on the topic. I should have known better and gone on my artist's date when I started to feel down. Maybe if I'd been a bit kinder and distanced myself from the mental weight I was accumulating I wouldn't have ended up as miserable as I did for several days last week. Isabel helped me find reason, reassuring me that the material shows promise and it would be a shame to throw away the work I've done. So it's onwards and upwards with it—but this time with a reminder to separate work from life and to establish better boundaries. We've got a bundle of activities planned this week, including introductory meetings with a few key figures in the industry and a theatre trip to Edinburgh, which I'll no doubt update on later.
My plan for this week is to dip back in to some of the goal related tasks. A number of new opportunities are on the horizon, and now is as good a time as any to review the direction I'm currently heading in. There may need to be sacrifices in 2012; that's both exciting and terrifying in equal measure, but not without reward if things go to plan. I will also be revisiting and redressing my Week 10 Bottom Line statements, as I've let some of the commitments I made to myself slide.
I'm going to cut this post here as I'm attempting to streamline my online media intake again, and the bell on my pomodoro has just rung! Yes, it's that dreaded deprivation task from way back in Week 4. I'm reviewing a new book titled The Digital Diet by Daniel Sieberg for a coaching magazine, and it has uncanny parallels to Week 4's content. It has served as a timely reminder that I've let myself slip again, especially on the social networking front. Less time online and more focus in my days is the challenge for the coming week!
K
Friday, 25 November 2011
After the Artist's Way — Week 1
A week has passed, so I figure it's time for my first check in to blether about what's been happing since I finished The Artist's Way.
It's been a funny old week. There were days when I found myself feeling like I had forgotten to do something. I'd check my to-do lists to no avail, or I'd sit in at night with spare time wondering why I felt a bit grumpy. The truth is those little gaps where I felt bored or miffed were the times I'd usually be doing tasks, reading chapters or writing my blog. That's time I should now be using productively or creatively, but I've kinda failed on that front so far. I haven't made the smooth transition I expected from creative recovery to artistic motivation—that'll be my first challenge for this week!
I also let my guard down and didn't do my morning pages twice this week. The first was accidental (I overslept and wanted to be on time for work) and the second was the following day when I hopped out of bed on autopilot and found myself going about the old routine I've not followed for over 3 months! As I sat eating breakfast with 15 minutes to spare before leaving the house, I realised my brain was bogged down with a million things running through it. Why did I have that feeling again that I'd forgotten to do something? Quite simply: I had! The reason my mind was racing was because I hadn't spilled my thoughts on the page when I woke up. It's a funny ritual, and I realise now it's one that serves me well. I won't go as far as saying it's completely necessary for me to function, but it certainly does help me organise my thoughts and guarantees that I will write something constructive during the course of a day. I went on to feel blocked later in the day that I didn't do my pages; inspiration wouldn't play fair when I tried to work on my play, and I eventually conceded why.
I've discovered this week that 3 of my Twitter followers are now having a bash at The Artist's Way. I hope their decision might in some way have been influenced by my blog, if indeed they've been reading my posts. I'm quite happy to endorse it as a means to get creative people working through their blocks. I must try hard not to jump in and ask too many questions though—I'm not part of any of their creative clusters after all—but I am really curious to know if it inspires them in the way it did me. Maybe they'll be happy to share in time. :-)
Debbie and I have agreed to keep our little creative cluster going. We're checking in weekly and doing some of the tasks again over the winter months to keep us ticking over. Lord knows I need someone to kick me in the butt and make sure I don't start procrastinating again!
I've been good in other areas this week. I've kept up the habit of my artist's date, plus I had a mini-date mid-week. I'm going to have a second one tonight and may even squeeze in a third over the weekend. I'm finding it much easier to be kind myself on that front, and the things I'm doing rarely involve spending a lot of money. I'm being much more creative in finding things to do that excite and stimulate me. My downtime is mine, it's precious to me and I will make sure I keep enjoying it. I find myself being drawn to arts and crafts or photography these days; I'm continually updating my image file with clippings whenever I find something that catches my eye. I'm sure it would make no sense to any who should happen to discover it, but to me it's a mish-mashed collage of the eclectic things that reflect what I like and love about life.
I think that's all I've got on my mind right now. I'm aiming for a much more productive week this week, and I'm looking forward to catching up with Debbie to find out what she's been up to. Other than that, I have a hit list of things I've been putting for a while that I finally feel ready to tackle; for better or for worse, I intend to make a start on at least one big thing this week and see where it leads. I've learnt a lot about myself and the things I'm passionate about over the course of The Artist's Way, and I want to constantly be striving toward making those things the main focus of my everyday life. I'm pretty sure that, in a nutshell, is the key to happiness itself!
K
Sunday, 20 November 2011
Week 12, Day 7 — And Finally
Well, here we are then. It's the last day of the twelve week programme.
If you're reading this and you've completed The Artist's Way before, you'll understand the emotions I'm feeling. Happy, proud, scared, curious—a whole mixed bag. More than anything else I feel satisfied and pleased with myself for making it right the way through. It took a lot of commitment, especially after my previous false starts, but once I began to experience the changes for myself this time I knew it was going to be worthwhile. I was always going to get there.
I had my wonderful Artist's Day today. A big long extended Artist's Date to myself to celebrate reaching the end. I spent several blissful hours doing some of my favourite things one after the after, many of them simple pleasures that might seem so little to others but make me feel really happy, and have consequently found myself in a very peaceful and relaxed mood tonight.
By the time I sat down to write this post I thought I'd feel a bit sadder—like something good was coming to an end. The truth of the matter is I recognise that this isn't really the end of the journey; it's only the beginning. The ground work has now been done, and it's up to me to live these positive changes I've made in my life and continue on my path of creative discovery. I will write my morning pages. I will go on my Artist's Dates. I will look out and be thankful for synchronicity, I will keep building my network of supporters and nurture my friendships and relationships, and most importantly, I will continue to believe in and be kind to myself.
Debbie and I have agreed to keep our creative cluster going, so we'll be checking in once a week to see how life after The Artist's Way is faring—it sounds like we'll also continue with a weekly blog on an “After the Artist's Way” theme, with a view to us having a crack at Walking in This World, Julia Cameron's follow up programme, in 2012.
If you've stumbled upon my blog because you're researching the book or the course and want to find out more about it, then I heartily recommend that you give it a try. The fact you've decided to look it up means some part of it has already resonated with you, and your curiosity means you're ready for it right now. You owe it to yourself and whatever creative passion you have to unlock. My one suggestion is to form a supportive creative cluster; I found the journey so much easier having Debbie to share it with rather than dealing with lots of change on my own.
I could get sentimental and reflective at this point, but I don't see the need. It's after 10pm on a Sunday night, and I, my friends, am about to end the day by doing another of my favourite things: an early bed with a large mug of hot chocolate and a good book. ;-)
K
If you're reading this and you've completed The Artist's Way before, you'll understand the emotions I'm feeling. Happy, proud, scared, curious—a whole mixed bag. More than anything else I feel satisfied and pleased with myself for making it right the way through. It took a lot of commitment, especially after my previous false starts, but once I began to experience the changes for myself this time I knew it was going to be worthwhile. I was always going to get there.
I had my wonderful Artist's Day today. A big long extended Artist's Date to myself to celebrate reaching the end. I spent several blissful hours doing some of my favourite things one after the after, many of them simple pleasures that might seem so little to others but make me feel really happy, and have consequently found myself in a very peaceful and relaxed mood tonight.
By the time I sat down to write this post I thought I'd feel a bit sadder—like something good was coming to an end. The truth of the matter is I recognise that this isn't really the end of the journey; it's only the beginning. The ground work has now been done, and it's up to me to live these positive changes I've made in my life and continue on my path of creative discovery. I will write my morning pages. I will go on my Artist's Dates. I will look out and be thankful for synchronicity, I will keep building my network of supporters and nurture my friendships and relationships, and most importantly, I will continue to believe in and be kind to myself.
Debbie and I have agreed to keep our creative cluster going, so we'll be checking in once a week to see how life after The Artist's Way is faring—it sounds like we'll also continue with a weekly blog on an “After the Artist's Way” theme, with a view to us having a crack at Walking in This World, Julia Cameron's follow up programme, in 2012.
If you've stumbled upon my blog because you're researching the book or the course and want to find out more about it, then I heartily recommend that you give it a try. The fact you've decided to look it up means some part of it has already resonated with you, and your curiosity means you're ready for it right now. You owe it to yourself and whatever creative passion you have to unlock. My one suggestion is to form a supportive creative cluster; I found the journey so much easier having Debbie to share it with rather than dealing with lots of change on my own.
I could get sentimental and reflective at this point, but I don't see the need. It's after 10pm on a Sunday night, and I, my friends, am about to end the day by doing another of my favourite things: an early bed with a large mug of hot chocolate and a good book. ;-)
K
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Week 12, Day 6 — Family Time
I'm writing this post from the comfort of the sofa at mum and dad's house, where I'm sprawled out feeling pretty full and content. We've been out tonight for a family meal at Lochside House Hotel in Ayrshire, and what a feast we were treated to. The occasion was Aunty A heading back to Australia this week after several visits with us over the past few months; she's been using us a base for her worldly travels after finishing up her most recent job, and has been to Turkey, Spain, Marrakech, Brazil and made several trips to London in between.
I've talked about Aunty a few times in my blog; she got a mention right back on Day 1, in fact, and I wrote about the great weekend she spent with me in Glasgow last month. We really are kindred spirits, and I always go through a period of mourning when she leaves. I'm very grateful for the brilliant relationship we have and all the time we've managed to spend together this trip. I'm going to miss her as always.
I wrote for a few hours this morning before leaving for the train, and managed to finish the first draft of my new play. I already knew I wasn't happy with the direction I took it in and suspect the last two scenes will get the chop during editing, but it still felt satisfying to bring it to a conclusion and draw a line under it. In the past I've been guilty of excessive idealism, editing my writing as I go along to the extent that I sometimes lose sight of what I wanted to achieve and never finish at all. This time I felt happy to just go with the flow, experiment a bit even when I wasn't keen on it, then say nope—must try harder! I think I'll let it rest a week before attacking it with a red pen in preparation for a major rewrite.
I've got my big Artist's Day to look forward to tomorrow—I've been storing this one up for weeks to celebrate reaching the end of the journey. It's probably something a lot of people would scoff at as it's so trivial, but to me it's a decadent treat that takes me right back to my childhood. Let's just hope I don't feel as full and bloated as I do now by the time I get to Glasgow tomorrow, or I'll need someone to roll me around town!
K
I've talked about Aunty a few times in my blog; she got a mention right back on Day 1, in fact, and I wrote about the great weekend she spent with me in Glasgow last month. We really are kindred spirits, and I always go through a period of mourning when she leaves. I'm very grateful for the brilliant relationship we have and all the time we've managed to spend together this trip. I'm going to miss her as always.
I wrote for a few hours this morning before leaving for the train, and managed to finish the first draft of my new play. I already knew I wasn't happy with the direction I took it in and suspect the last two scenes will get the chop during editing, but it still felt satisfying to bring it to a conclusion and draw a line under it. In the past I've been guilty of excessive idealism, editing my writing as I go along to the extent that I sometimes lose sight of what I wanted to achieve and never finish at all. This time I felt happy to just go with the flow, experiment a bit even when I wasn't keen on it, then say nope—must try harder! I think I'll let it rest a week before attacking it with a red pen in preparation for a major rewrite.
I've got my big Artist's Day to look forward to tomorrow—I've been storing this one up for weeks to celebrate reaching the end of the journey. It's probably something a lot of people would scoff at as it's so trivial, but to me it's a decadent treat that takes me right back to my childhood. Let's just hope I don't feel as full and bloated as I do now by the time I get to Glasgow tomorrow, or I'll need someone to roll me around town!
K
Friday, 18 November 2011
Week 12, Day 5 — The End is Nigh
I met my friend Angela in town earlier for a three-tier high tea of sandwiches, cakes and scones (a big treat for us both courtesy of a deal voucher I procured months ago) then took a walk round Glasgow city centre, which is hanging under a low cloud of autumnal grey gloom today. I'm now sitting in a coffeeshop playing out my favourite cliché: strong black coffee, notebook and pen at hand (not forgetting my laptop, of course). I've been scribbling away for over an hour now, some of it just for fun, some of it developing into more serious sketches I might use later. I enjoy this time of year when it's nice to hide away somewhere snug and do something just for yourself. And I enjoy nothing more than having free time to experiment with my writing.
I've found myself in a funny sort of reflective mood. I think it's because I sense the end is nigh with The Artist's Way drawing to a close. It's been twelve significant weeks of ups and downs, highs and lows. Some weeks have been very powerful and uplifting; others have at first seemed difficult and obstructive, only to later feel like important lessons were learnt. I guess more than anything I've realised that I have a great network of friends and supporters around me, people who fill my life with kindness and consideration. There are people out there who want to see me do well. This might sound a bit melodramatic, but I genuinely feel less alone than I did three months ago. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle to get where I wanted to be, and was continually sidelining many of my ambitions as I was afraid of failing. For want of a better expression, I finally plucked up the courage to go "balls deep" and did something about it. I didn't write a bestselling novel in a weekend. I didn't write a groundbreaking play and get picked up by a national theatre company. I didn't win the lottery and gain the financial freedom I always longed for to set me free from responsibility and let me be a humble writer. No, I achieved something much bigger than all of those things:
I learnt how to believe in myself.
Yes, it's perhaps the biggest discovery I've made, one of the toughest lessons I've had to learn in all my years of struggling away. It turns out success isn't the product of things that happen to you, or things you make happen for yourself, or what you might earn along the way; it's a state of mind, a way of being that can be programmed into your every day routine. I still have problems and hurdles and barriers in my life—hell yes I do, perhaps bigger than I did even twelve weeks ago—but now I feel like they are simply inconveniences to be overcome as part of the background noise of life while I continue on this artistic journey I set out on.
Back at the beginning I mentioned that I'd started The Artist's Way before, but on previous attempts I bombed out. I would convince myself I was too busy, or I wouldn't commit to the tasks when other things got in the way, or I'd feel confronted when trying to express my hopes and dreams to the people I had in my life at that time. This time round I had a fab creative cluster partner in Debbie, whose kind words and encouragement have kept me on the straight and narrow. More than anything else though, I was ready this time. Good things have been happening in my life. I've ticked off several major goals as this year has gone by. I don't want to be a writer or performer any more: I am a writer and performer, and I'm proud of what I've managed to achieve in a relatively short space of time. I might not be the next big thing, I may not have earned a fortune, I might never do anything more significant than what I'm already doing right now: what matters to me is the fact I'm doing it at all. I am truly grateful for all the opportunities I've had this year, and can honestly say I feel content.
I have faith that this isn't the end of the journey. It's just the beginning, the opening chapter. Every day that I wake up and commit to my morning pages I will be writing a fresh page in my development as an artist.
I'm ready and prepared to tackle whatever challenge comes next!
K
I've found myself in a funny sort of reflective mood. I think it's because I sense the end is nigh with The Artist's Way drawing to a close. It's been twelve significant weeks of ups and downs, highs and lows. Some weeks have been very powerful and uplifting; others have at first seemed difficult and obstructive, only to later feel like important lessons were learnt. I guess more than anything I've realised that I have a great network of friends and supporters around me, people who fill my life with kindness and consideration. There are people out there who want to see me do well. This might sound a bit melodramatic, but I genuinely feel less alone than I did three months ago. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle to get where I wanted to be, and was continually sidelining many of my ambitions as I was afraid of failing. For want of a better expression, I finally plucked up the courage to go "balls deep" and did something about it. I didn't write a bestselling novel in a weekend. I didn't write a groundbreaking play and get picked up by a national theatre company. I didn't win the lottery and gain the financial freedom I always longed for to set me free from responsibility and let me be a humble writer. No, I achieved something much bigger than all of those things:
I learnt how to believe in myself.
Yes, it's perhaps the biggest discovery I've made, one of the toughest lessons I've had to learn in all my years of struggling away. It turns out success isn't the product of things that happen to you, or things you make happen for yourself, or what you might earn along the way; it's a state of mind, a way of being that can be programmed into your every day routine. I still have problems and hurdles and barriers in my life—hell yes I do, perhaps bigger than I did even twelve weeks ago—but now I feel like they are simply inconveniences to be overcome as part of the background noise of life while I continue on this artistic journey I set out on.
Back at the beginning I mentioned that I'd started The Artist's Way before, but on previous attempts I bombed out. I would convince myself I was too busy, or I wouldn't commit to the tasks when other things got in the way, or I'd feel confronted when trying to express my hopes and dreams to the people I had in my life at that time. This time round I had a fab creative cluster partner in Debbie, whose kind words and encouragement have kept me on the straight and narrow. More than anything else though, I was ready this time. Good things have been happening in my life. I've ticked off several major goals as this year has gone by. I don't want to be a writer or performer any more: I am a writer and performer, and I'm proud of what I've managed to achieve in a relatively short space of time. I might not be the next big thing, I may not have earned a fortune, I might never do anything more significant than what I'm already doing right now: what matters to me is the fact I'm doing it at all. I am truly grateful for all the opportunities I've had this year, and can honestly say I feel content.
I have faith that this isn't the end of the journey. It's just the beginning, the opening chapter. Every day that I wake up and commit to my morning pages I will be writing a fresh page in my development as an artist.
I'm ready and prepared to tackle whatever challenge comes next!
K
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